Hippie vs. Frat Boy

Tobias Letchworth’s Case

I am a firm believer in intelligent design. No, not that silly idea about a guy with a Santa beard on a cloud though, of course. I’m talking about Pastafarianism. You see, I am a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (http://www.venganza.org/). Now, I’m sure Dr. Brock made a thoughtful and compelling argument for evolution. But according to the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all evidence of evolution, including Tom Brady, was placed on earth by the his Noodlyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to test our faith.  Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering, how come I’ve never seen this Flying Spaghetti Monster? Well, that’s because he’s invisible and undetectable (duh). Another question many of you may have is, “If the Flying Spaghetti Monster is so great, why do bad things still happen in the world?” Well, my pastafarian brothers, his noodly goodness created this world after a few too many drinks, resulting in our flawed universe. You may also be wondering what awaits you in the afterlife as a pastafarian. If you’re a good pastafarian, you’ll go to heaven. It’s pretty cool up there, they’ve got a beer volcano and a stripper factory. If you’re a bad pastafarian, you’ll go to hell. They’ve got a beer volcano, but the beer is totally skunked. Oh and the strippers have VD. Bad times.  But don’t worry, you won’t end up there as long as you abide by the Eight I’d Really You Rather Didn’ts. Amen, brothers.

Tobias’ Rebuttal

First of all, your man crush on Tom Brady is creeping me out a little bit. Second, I think your understanding of evolution might be fundamentally flawed.

Brock Johnson’s Case

Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Brock Johnson. Today I will be giving a lecture entitled “Evolution Explained,” subtitled “Why Tom Brady is Better than You.” Now, I won’t bore you guys with some stupid story about some guy named Charles riding a beagle all over the globe, that’s just a little too far-fetched for Dr. Brock Johnson’s  blood. What I will talk about is the biggest piece of evidence we have for evolution: Thomas Edward Brady, Jr., quarterback for the New England Patriots. Tom Brady is the pinnacle of human (AND quarterback) evolution. You see, Tom Brady has evolved a cannon for an arm, hawk-like field vision, rugged good looks, a supermodel girlfriend, and three Super Bowl rings. You may be thinking, Dr. Brock, how could evolution have created such a man. But what you don’t know is that before him, there were other men who could have been great NFL quarterbacks, if not for their shortcomings. Doug Flutie (too short). Michael Vick (too cruel to animals). Brock Johnson (tore both ACL’s driving a snowmobile under the influence last June). But these men were weeded out by natural selection. What we’re left with is the cream of the crop. And Tom Brady is the creamiest. As I’ve explained, the name of the game is survival of the fittest. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to inject my glutes with a steroid cocktail so that I can properly get my swell on at the gym before I ingest a healthy balance of alcohol and stimulants later tonight. In conclusion, Tom Brady: He’s the cat’s ass.

Brock’s Rebuttal

What? A flying pasta monster? Brock is offended!! Not only is your god completely ridiculous, he’s full of processed carbs and fat – that ain’t cool.